"The truth is, she doesn’t have to choose....

"She can have us both, love us both. And she’ll become a better person because of me and because of you."

Who knows the title of this movie?  My post title is sort of not on subject if you read it in the context of the movie.  Use your imagination, people.

Drum Roll Please!  On second thought, lose the drum roll, it's kind of annoying when everyone bangs on the surface in front of them.  But anyway, we have BIG news!  We have finally found our birth mom!  So without further ado, let us introduce you to Liz!  (Liz, I hope you don't mind that I stole your picture off of facebook. ***Update: I asked Liz and she doesn't mind.)

Liz is GREAT; we totally love her.  And here's a plus-she likes that we're quirky.  Whew, that is a relief.  We met her on a no-strings-attached basis on Friday, January 7th.  But she said she knew we were the right couple the minute she saw us.  How awesome is that?  We had a great lunch and sat and ate and talked and laughed for about two hours and then we did some more sitting at talking and laughing at her house.  It was a great day!  She is seriously the best!  She lives here in Arizona, so we have been able to hang out with her since then as well.  I went to a doctor appointment with her last Tuesday and Josh and I went to the LDS birth mom support group on Thursday.  Then we went out for ice cream with her mom and dad, who were also great.  We had a very nice visit with them.

Speaking of birth moms, the ones we met at the group are amazing! (Liz is still my favorite, but I might be biased).  I just want you all to know that BIRTH MOMS=AMAZING.  These wonderful girls are funny and strong, selfless and caring; pretty much amazing.  Did I mention they are amazing?  Lindsey at the r house defines birth moms really well I think.  She says "When pressed I would say, 'Brave women who make the impossible and usually unpopular choice to choose their child above their own wants and needs and handpick the life they want them to lead while having the courage to realize that that life may not be with them as the everyday mother'."  I like the run on sentence almost as much as what she says in it.  Sitting in the same room with all of the birth moms was an incredibly humbling experience.  The sacrifice they make is HUGE and anyone who thinks otherwise is WRONG.  Just sayin'.  These beautiful young women love their babies so much, and yet they choose to give them a life they can't provide for their child at this time, even though they know how much they will miss them.  How many people do you know who would do that?  It takes a special person to be able to choose adoption.  And even though there is pain and sadness associated with their choice, they know what they did was right.  Josh and I were talking about it today, and he said "Group was pretty cool.  I would go every week if it wasn't so far away."  I totally agree.  Although I thought it was funny that Josh said that, because he was the only guy in the room, and he said about three words total.  Anyway, here is a photo that Chelsey (one of the birth moms) took.  Hi Chelsey! My husband and I thought you were really funny, by the way.  And I really loved hearing a little of your story.

So, would you like to know more about Liz?  Here is some of the important facts that I know.

~ Her favorite cereal is Crispix. Just like me.
~ She is a REALLY good singer. Not so much like me and definitely not like Josh.
~ She loves animals. Just like me and Josh, maybe a little more like Josh.
~ She just graduated as a Medical Assistant. (Help her find a job if you know of one!)
~ She plays the piano and the trombone. Piano just like me, Josh is not so musical.
~ She has three older brothers. Josh and I both have three brothers...weird huh?
~ She is funny and has a great sense of humor. Just like me and Josh.  I would never say so myself, but my friends tell me we're hilarious.
~ She likes to travel, just like me and Josh, and has been to Italy and China. (Lucky! I want that to be just like me, but no such luck.)
~ She likes ice cream. Okay, who doesn't? But still.
~ She likes volleyball. Just like me.  Are you noticing a trend?
I know other stuff too, but I am going to stop there.

Anyway, the title to this post reminded me of another quote I read on the r house blog, but is actually from Desha Wood (who is a birth mom) talking about her son who she placed. 
“He is mine in a way that he will never be hers, yet he is hers in a way that he will never be mine and so together, we are motherhood.”  
And that is totally how I feel, and why I am so excited that we are going to have an open adoption with Liz.  Yeah for Liz!  We are so lucky!  

Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.

On Friday, December 17th, our dog Brutus was hit by a truck. He died shortly after it happened. I had no idea that I would feel so much pain over losing our dog. He burrowed his way into my heart, and I will never forget him.
Getting our first puppy was significant to me. We brought Brutus into our family the same month we should have brought our first child home from the hospital. He filled a void in my life, and I was able to pour out all my pent up mothering instincts on him. But no matter what I did, he was really always Josh's dog.  He was Josh's shadow as often as he could be.  He loved to go anywhere Josh was going.  

I want to remember some of my Brutus stories, so I am listing them here. You don't have to read them. Honestly, if you're not a dog person, they will probably bore you. But I don't want to forget the fun memories, so here we go.  Oh, and it's okay to cry on this one....I did.

* The first day we picked him up, Brutus was still really little and oh so cute. Josh didn't want him to sit in the back seat all by himself, so he rode on my lap and tried desperately to climb out the window of our Jetta. I was still stronger than him at that point, so I was able to hold onto him. That night, as I was sitting on the porch with him, he jumped up and caught a moth in his mouth, and then promptly ate it. I remember thinking, "This dog is weird. I don't think normal dogs eat moths."

* Brutus always preferred Josh unless he was hurt. Then he wanted me and he wanted to curl up on my lap. It was hard not to let him since he had that face; you know what I am talking about. Because he was so energetic, he got hurt a lot. The more I think about it, it's amazing he survived as long as he did.

* When Josh left for the Border Patrol Academy, Brutus was heart broken. Brutus waited and searched our house for Josh every night for a week. He would run to the office, then the bedroom, then back to the couch to see if Josh was sitting there. Once he realized Josh was not home, he would heave a big sigh and lie down next to my feet. It was kind of sad when he stopped looking. I think he was depressed for a while.
* Brutus has some bird dog instincts. He brought me not one, but TWO almost dead chickens when we lived in Springville. He strutted right into my living room, dropped them on the floor, and pranced around them in a circle. Then he waited for his reward. It was very hard to punish him, because he thought he had done something good. Meanwhile, I had a flinching, mostly dead chicken to deal with. YUCK. It should be mentioned that other than killing them, the birds were in excellent condition. He really was just retrieving them for me. Too bad I didn't want them and they were stolen from someone else's yard. I still don't know where he got them; none of our neighbors had chickens.

* Brutus loved to play in the snow. He especially liked to run through a fresh snowfall and tear up every last inch of it. He would sink his front paws in, and then flip them up so the snow would fly everywhere. He would do this for hours. It was so funny to watch. And it always amazed me when the only part of him that was wet were his paws.
* When we moved to Arizona, Brutus rode with me in the station wagon we had at the time. He did pretty good until Page, AZ, (about halfway) when he decided he wanted to sit on my lap. He was full grown by this time, and 70 lbs. of dog did not fit in the driver's seat with me very well. Josh and I ended up switching cars, and Brutus behaved just fine the rest of the way. He was always more obedient and better behaved with Josh.

* I never had a problem with snakes, lizards, etc. in our yard in Ajo. Brutus and Lunar made sure to clear them out every morning. After awhile, I think they knew to stay away. I was very grateful.
* Brutus was totally spoiled and refused to sleep in his un-carpeted bedroom after I let him sleep in ours a few times. His favorite spot was under our bed, and he woke me up more than once in the middle of the night with his snoring.

* They say dogs have a sense about people. Brutus hated the UPS man in Ajo, who was admittedly pretty sketchy. But he loved the FedEx guy, who was much nicer and clean cut. I think it was only partly because he brought dog biscuits. He almost attacked a Jehovah's witness who was trying to open our gate. Once while the dogs were outside, the wind blew the gate open. Our neighbor, a friendly older gentleman, tried to close it. Brutus didn't bother him until he stepped foot in our yard. That was his mistake. Brutus is very territorial, and he pinned our neighbor against the fence. He didn't release our neighbor until I ran outside and told him to come. I apologized to the neighbor, but was glad to know that Brutus had my back.

* Josh worked nights and went to camp a lot when we lived in Ajo. So many people asked me how I handled it. But honestly, I never felt scared with Brutus around. He was very protective of me and Lunar, and I knew I was safe with Brutus there. He was very fast, had a big bark, and always made sure I knew someone was at our house.

* Once I had to take Brutus to the vet for an infected sliver on his face. We had a little flashback to the road trip from Utah to Arizona. Luckily the ride was considerably shorter, and we made it without too much incident. Because of Brutus' size and energy, the vet decided to drug him before treating him. Afterwards, the vet tech told me they were going to wake Brutus up so we could go home. I timidly asked the tech if he could leave Brutus sedated for the ride home. He laughed, but readily agreed after I explained why. I decided that was the only way to travel with Brutus if Josh couldn't be with us.

* Brutus loved to go to the park and go for walks. Some days, he was my only motivation for jogging. He was so sad when we didn't go. He also loved to ride in the car or truck, and stuck his head out the window like a typical dog, with his tongue hanging out.
* He was such a smart dog. He understood more than I thought was possible for an animal. I talked to him and Lunar when I was home alone, and Brutus usually responded in his own way. He definitely knew the meaning of the quite a few words and phrases. And when he didn't understand, he would cock his head to one side as if he was saying "Huh?"

* He had ways of communicating with me as well. Sometimes he didn't like it when I played the piano. Either he wanted attention, or I had disturbed his nap. He would come over to me, put his head under my hands, and then hit my hands off the keys. It was kind of annoying. He also liked to wake me up in the morning by shoving his cold, wet nose under my blankets. He would burrow his way through the covers until he found me. I found this extremely annoying.

* When we moved from Ajo to Safford, he broke out of his cage in the trailer twice, and Josh looked into our rear view mirror to see Brutus sticking his head out the opening at the front of the trailer. We finally just gave up trying to keep him in the cage. He was always a little claustrophobic.
* I think I was most proud of Brutus when he killed the Gila Monster that got into our yard. We were out of town, and a friend was watching the dogs for us. The Gila Monster bit Lunar in the face, but Brutus ripped it away from Lunar's face and killed it. Lunar may have helped with the killing, but I have a feeling it was mostly Brutus. Gila Monsters are extremely poisonous and supposedly have very strong bites. Apparently, this one was no match for Brutus.

* Brutus loved to catch bugs: moths, spiders and flies. He would hunt them and eat them. But he knew that scorpions were mean. He never tried to protect me from any other insects, but if he saw a scorpion, he would growl and get in between me and it. Then he would do his best to kill it. Sometimes he would get stung, sometimes he wouldn't. But he never let it sting anyone or anything else.
* When Brutus was still a puppy, we snuck him into Bear Lake. We had driven all the way from Springville, and didn't realized that dogs weren't allowed on the beach. We didn't want to turn around, so we walked him in. He loved to swim, but was limited since we were hiding him from the rangers. This summer, we took the dogs to Roper Lake near our home. Brutus had the time of his life! He swam after the ducks, followed the canoe around, and retrieved anything we threw out into the water. I have never seen him so happy! I wish we would have made another trip this year.

* Anyone who has ever met Brutus knows how hyper and crazy he was. But he could be calm when the situation called for it. After we found out that I had miscarried again after the IVF treatment, I was pretty devastated. I remember sitting on the couch crying, and Brutus came and rested his head in my lap. He sat perfectly still and watched me. He didn't act up or get hyper; he just stayed there in case I needed him. Dogs are very intuitive about human feelings.

* Earlier this fall, Brutus tore a ligament in one of his back legs. It was obviously causing him pain, and he was limping for a while. We took him to the vet, and she said he needed to be leash walked for six weeks in order for the ligament to heal. That meant he couldn't run AT ALL. I was pretty sure we weren't going to be able to make it six weeks without running. He did get out a few times, (and loved every minute of it!) but for the most part, we made it through. Because I had to walk him every time he went outside, I got to spend a lot more time with him outdoors. I am actually really grateful for those six weeks now. He was better behaved and happy to be walking with me. He loved being outside, and got used to me by his side. I liked him a lot more after those six weeks.


You just can't replace a dog like Brutus. He had a pretty unique personality, and it made him special, even if it was only to us. And now I have documented the good memories. Brutus drove me nuts a lot of the time, but I really did love that crazy dog. I stole this quote from my friend Arlene's blog. She recently lost her dog as well. For us ladies without kids, these dogs are a lot like our children. And I think this quote makes an excellent point.

"I have sometimes thought of the final cause of dogs having such short lives and I am quite satisfied it is in compassion to the human race; for if we suffer so much in losing a dog after an acquaintance of ten or twelve years, what would it be if they were to live double that time?"

~Sir Walter Scott

It's just like Santa's workshop!

"Except it smells like mushrooms... and everyone looks like they wanna hurt me..."
Best modern Christmas movie EVER.

 It's CHRISTMAS at my house which means I'm making lots of THIS and THIS, listening to Christmas music (OF COURSE) and working on my Christmas shopping list.  And since we are going to be in Utah for Christmas this year, and no one is coming to visit me before that, I will show you what my new house looks like this holiday season.  
First: the Tree.  I am pretty sure we need to buy a taller tree now that we live in a house with ridiculously high ceilings.  It looks like a little dwarf tree in our great room.  Plus, it will give me an excuse to buy new decorations next year.

Close up of the mantle; I really liked those votive candle holders.  And the picture is signed by the artist, Judy Law.  She lived in our ward in Springville and I was her visiting teacher.  She gave me this signed print for a Christmas present.  She is really talented.

This is the only place I could think to put my little Nativity up, and it didn't fill up the space, so I had to get some poinsettias.  

And here is my wreath. I got it at the Home Depot, of all places.  They had the best quality/sale price on wreaths in this valley.  But as I mentioned before, no one comes to my house.  So I put it on the inside of my door.  I think I should get some enjoyment out of it.  

 Merry Christmas!

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday Nicola!

Look how cute you were as a little cowgirl. I don't know why you're always refusing to go riding with me. You obviously have a long-standing love of horses. I mean look at that huge cheesy grin, right?

Miss Truvy, I promise that my personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair.

There are just so many good quotes from this movie!  I had to list some of my favorites:

1. "I've just been to the dedication of the new children's park."
"Yeah, how did that go?"
"Janice Van Meter got hit with a baseball. It was fabulous."
"Was she hurt?"
"I doubt it. She got hit in the head."

2. "Well, you know what they say: if you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me!"

3. "I'm just screamin' at my husband; I can do that any time!"

4. "I have a strict policy that nobody cries alone in my presence."

5. "Clairee, you know I’d rather walk on my lips than criticize anybody...but...Janice Van Meter…"
"I know... "
"I bet you money she’s paid $500 for that dress and doesn’t even bother to wear a girdle."
"It’s like two pigs fighting under a blanket."

Ok, there is another quote from this movie that makes more sense as the title to this post, but it wasn't as funny. I actually didn't want to post this story at all because it's really not very funny and I like my blog posts to be light and fun and not really serious. Because who wants to be sad after reading a friend's blog? Anyway, since we have been giving our blog address out to some prospective birth moms, I decided I should write about my experiences leading up to adoption. WARNING: this post is going to be pretty lengthy with NO pictures. If you don't want to read it, I won't be offended. Also, I don't want anyone to be sad reading this. It's a rule, I just made it, and I expect you to follow my rules. So here we go: the somewhat lengthy story of my infertility.

When Josh and I got married in 2003 we were really poor, so we decided to wait to start our family. So, after a year we decided to try to get pregnant. After about a year of trying with no results, I started tracking my basal body temperature every morning. After a few months of tracking my temperature, I became pregnant. From the beginning, I knew something was wrong. I can’t really explain it, but I just didn’t feel right. I miscarried at about 7 weeks. My doctor assured me that it was very common for women to miscarry their first pregnancy and that everything still looked fine. Then, about six weeks later I ended up in the emergency room with really bad stomach cramps. I thought my appendix had burst. It turns out I had some ovarian cysts that were rupturing. As a formality, the ER nurse took my blood to check for pregnancy. The ER doctor told me I was pregnant, but considering the pain I was in and the rupturing cysts, he wanted me to see my OB/GYN. Two days later I was in the OB/GYN’s office and he confirmed that I miscarried again. After that, we were never able to get pregnant again without fertility treatments. Josh was finishing school, and we still didn’t have very much money. Fertility treatments are very expensive, and our insurance didn’t cover anything regarding infertility. So we decided to wait again.

Josh graduated in 2006, got hired by the border patrol and in the spring of 2007 we moved to Arizona. In the fall of 2007 we started the infertility treatments with a specialist. We still didn’t know what was “wrong” at this point. All of the tests came back normal. We did Intra-Uterine Insemination (IUI) three times with no success. At this point, the specialist recommended In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF). He said with IVF, people with unexplained infertility sometimes get pregnant, sometimes get answers, and sometimes get both. We saved for months, and did the procedure in the spring of 2008. As a result of the procedure, the doctor discovered that my eggs had a problem. I don’t remember the medical terms, but basically the eggs are slow. They don’t develop at the normal rate that an egg should when it is fertilized. They retrieved 21 eggs during the procedure. Out of those 21 eggs, only twelve survived the retrieval. The lab fertilized all 12 eggs. By the time the embryos were ready for the transfer, only three were left. They were all considered “poor” quality embryos. At implantation, we were given a 20% chance of success. We waited for two weeks, I took a blood test, and it worked! We were so excited! I was taking hormone injections to mimic what a woman’s body normally does when pregnant, and kept that up for a few more weeks. Because of the infertility, our first ultrasound would be around 8 weeks. About a week before our appointment, I got mild stomach cramps and a little bleeding. My doctor didn’t seem to think that was uncommon, and just advised me to take it easy. When we went to the ultrasound appointment, the doctor told us there wasn’t a baby anymore.

That was probably the rock bottom of this whole situation for me.  Besides the sadness, I felt a lot of guilt: for spending so much money on something and not having any results, for getting others excited for no reason, for causing other people pain. It was crappy; let’s leave it at that. Anyway, after a few months we decided to do IVF again with an egg donor. We looked at the donors who worked with our doctor, but in the end decided to go with one of my sisters. She came in the spring of 2009 and we had a party for a month while she was here. What a trooper! She went through all of these awful tests and procedures. I had been through them all, but it was a price I was willing to pay because I wanted a baby so badly. I just can’t believe that she would do them all so I could have a baby. She is great (HUGE understatement)! Anyway, things looked successful and everything was set. I was sure it would work this time, since these embryos were healthy. But, after waiting the two weeks again, I had my blood drawn and I wasn’t pregnant. I handled this blow a little better. But I still felt the guilt. And now I had dragged my sister into the mess. I felt so bad for her, because she had put her life on hold and sacrificed so much for nothing. But we did have a fabulous time together, and we will always have that.

So at this point, I was exhausted: physically, mentally, emotionally, and (probably most important) financially. Anything we did after this was just going to be more expensive. It took me a few months to really give up on having our own baby, being pregnant, and everything that comes with that. Sometime in the fall of 2009 I decided to let it all go and Josh and I started talking about adoption again. We had met with a caseworker at the beginning of 2009 and we really did not have a good feeling about adoption. I wasn’t sure why at the time. Now I think it was because of the timing. But for whatever reason, it made us hesitant to go down that road again. We considered going to an agency other than LDS Family Services, but in the end decided to meet with them because there was a new caseworker for our area and we needed to get a home study done. LDS Family Services does home studies relatively inexpensively and they let you have the info if you want to work with another agency.

At the beginning of summer, we met Hannah, our caseworker. We LOVE her. She is so great at her job and puts so much effort into taking care of her clients. She helped us through the paperwork and legal processes quickly, and we were ready to go two months later. We are excited about adoption and feel good about what is happening with it. I don’t know why it happened like this, but I know both Josh and I feel like adoption is the right thing for us to do now. It’s an interesting and complicated situation, and there are moments where I don’t know what to think. But I know the Lord is watching and good things are happening because of His plan for all the people involved in the adoption process.

So that's it. It’s amazing to me that I can put the last six years and one of my biggest trials into less than two pages of writing. Kudos to you if you made it through this. And remember my rule: No sadness. Because as Clairee said, "That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."